11th May, 2018
I have talked at length about the role of the amygdala, and how it is excited when stimuli activates it. I also talked about how, once the stimuli is no longer present, the feelings go away; and that this is the mechanism by which we can feel as though we are in love with someone we have not met.
So why do I feel so sad? Why does it feel as though there is a physical pain in my chest? Is it because 4 months down the line, the feelings had become a habit? It is a well known phenomenon that habits take 21 days to form. Or is it because I have blown it with a good man?
The sad truth of the matter is that I will never know. Yes, I am sure I could have handled what happened differently – but to be honest, if the exact circumstances were presented to me again I would have drawn the same assumptions and conclusions – wouldn’t you? The fact that he may not see it that way is his problem rather than mine. Ok – so it has caused me a problem – but hey …life goes on. Right?
I don’t want to become stuck with this. Is it just me or is there a pathetic irony that the one person that you want to speak to is the one person that you are no longer connected to? I’m not good at keeping silent when I have something on my mind. The last thing I want to do is cause further hurt to the other person involved in this sorry saga. This is drama. I am creating drama. I don’t want drama in my life. I don’t want to be that person causing drama.
So yesterday I took the unprecedented step of deleting our texts, messages and emails. I removed his number from my phone. Ok, so I wrote it down and secreted it somewhere that I won’t come across it unless I purposely decide to do so. I owe it to myself and to him to leave it untouched.
I didn’t share much about my blossoming “relationship” with the people in my life. Not least because scepticism is a mood killer, but also, because well meaning opinions can lead to disagreements.
So what now? How do I move on as quickly as possible from the hurt and disappointment? For that is surely what I have to do as I cannot expect him to forgive me for a third time. I have decided to let serendipity take the reigns.
Did I make a mistake in not trusting him? The truth is I will never know.
If love is meant for me, it can come find me as I can no longer put myself through the dilemmas, disappointments and damage that can be online dating. Yes, I know it works for some. I am just not one of them. So, serendipity it is!