Dear Diary: Letting go of past hurts

Dear Diary

22nd May 2018

Well, it has certainly been a tumultuous few weeks since I panicked and called fake on my distance-paramour.  What was interesting for me to experience, was the effect it had on me.  I have talked previously about the role of the amygdala in creating giddy feelings of “being in love” due to a cascade of hormones reacting to gratifying stimuli.  With the removal of said stimuli, the feelings of giddiness and happiness disappear in a relatively short time (albeit replaced with other emotions: shock, anger, disbelief).  This did not happen.  Instead, my body was flooded with stress hormones as I tried to make sense of what I believed had happened, whilst at the same time being riddled with doubt that I had accused him, yet again, of something that he was not guilty of.

It is evident that in the time that we had been chatting, texting, messaging and calling, a bond had developed.  One that we both wanted to explore in the real world when he got to the UK.  I make no apologies for caving in to his persistent attention, as I do firmly believe that you either have to be “in” something or not.  It is not possible to dangle one foot outside of the circle and expect that your heart’s desire will be fulfilled.  I did attempt to do this in the beginning, adamant as I was that I was not going to form an emotional bond with a man so far away and definitely not with one I had yet to meet.  I continued to navigate the trickiness of dating online, and earlier in the year I did have a number of dates.

I wasn’t so much trying to keep my options open, but rather I was trying to be sensible about the blossoming relationship with the guy I had never met.  There came a point though, where I had to be in it or ditch it.  There was something about this man that I did not want to – could not in fact – turn my back on.  Sure, he is definitely not my type, and hey, he can be a little intense.  But after a while that is what I came to really value about him.  He is a man who speaks his mind, who talks about his emotions, who shares his plans.  What women wouldn’t want a man that seemed to be an open book?

I have to admit, the last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle.  I did not want to, nor did I feel I could, lament to family and friends about the loss of a relationship that many people would not consider existed in the first place.  Thank goodness for one friend though, who has quite literally been my rock and listened patiently without judgement or well meaning opinion, and let me decompress about the situation.  Not only that, this friend turned detective to reach out to him.

What she subsequently shared with me hit me square in the face.  Not only does he not hate me for yet again bailing on him amidst accusations of fakery, he is seemingly attempting to take ownership of “his error”.  I think he is still quite bewildered and beyond shocked that I could consider him to be fake – but he is mature enough to understand that we all have different viewpoints about any given situation (largely shaped by our past experiences).  It had occurred to me that his mindset at the time of the misguided request was not focusing on how I would receive the request in light of my unfortunate experience, but that things were going well between us, we were planning to meet soon and he was under the wire with regards to his project.  What he shared with my friend echoed this as loud as a pin drop bouncing around a canyon.

So, dear diary, it seems that I was wrong.  Again.  It also seems as though we have a stalemate.  There is an old proverb:

only time will tell

I’ve never been the most patient of people – but that is something I am going to have to embrace for the time being.  What the future holds for this distance-connection is in the lap of the gods.  There is little communication between us at the moment, and I have no desire to return to the intensity pre-fake-gate.  What this situation has done, though, has rebooted the connection to one of “we don’t really know each other” rather than the misguided “you are my world”.  Until such time as I can grab this man at the airport and say:

hello, nice to meet you

that, dear diary, will have to do for now.

If providence smiles on me and there is a future for two strangers who decided they wanted to take a chance on each other – then so be it.

Later,

Carol XoXo

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