We hear so many stories of women falling in love with men they haven’t met, only to discover that he his a fake and a snake, after they have handed over their hard earned (or borrowed) money in response to whatever sob story he has suckered them with – and then either never heard from him again, or were asked for yet more.
Now this is something that I really didn’t think could happen to me. I bet you are saying the same thing aren’t you? Certainly, I would never hand over money to some person I have never met – heck, I have a hard time handing money over to anyone I know let alone a perfect stranger! I can though, appreciate why women find themselves in the position of loving a man they have never met. Why do I say this? I say this because last year, I thought I was in love – with a man I had never met. If you want to know more about that particular story, hop over to www.fakedating.blog
It is all in the head
No seriously, it quite literally is. The part of our brain that is responsible for our emotions, the amygdala, controls how we feel. Excite the amygdala, and we get a rush of emotions.
Love talk, which is used by the fakes, flakes and even sometimes the frogs, (look out for that article later), has the power to have us swooning over every word, begging for more and quite literally, out of our minds. This is what the n’er-do-wells rely on. In fact, I have it on good authority that scammers have a training package around “how to make a woman fall in love with you”. How do I know this? Not all scammers are that bright. One of them sent a link for the training to a woman he was trying to dupe!
Power of words
All it takes is a little bit of caring, a little bit of sharing – and a lot of attention. Why wouldn’t any woman have their head turned? In my own situation, as soon as the stimulation that was exciting my amygdala was removed, the feelings more or less went away. Ok, so there were some residual feelings: disappointment, shock, anger. Certainly I was bonded to the face in the pictures and videos that had been used to dupe me.
So what is it, apart from the action of our brain in response to some gooey words, that makes us fall for it? Are we all susceptible to being fooled by fake-love talk? Or are some of us immune to it?
The scammers target a specific profile
To consider this, I think it is useful to look at the profile of the types of women who fall for this. Wait a minute – before you dismiss them as being sad, lonely types with half a brain – it is worth mentioning that there have been plenty of stories in the press of business women and highly educated women being duped. I myself consider myself to be well educated – and nobody’s fool. Granted – I didn’t part with any cash and would have not looked back over my shoulder as I muttered “cheerio pet”. Ok ..so even though I am from the North East of England, I would never say “cheerio pet” – and in the circumstances, I am more likely to mutter some profanity and not so flattering adjectives to describe any such scammer.
Love is a many splendoured thing
Certainly my generation – I just missed the baby boomers; and apparently I am of the Jones Generation. Never heard of it before, but this essentially this what it is:
“Acquisitive, ambitious, achievement-oriented, cynical, materialistic (a reference to the expression ‘keeping up with the Joneses’). Generation Jones is predominantly a US concept, overlapping and representing a sub-group within the Baby Boomer and Gen-X generations.”
Ok, well, ahem. Not sure I QUITE fit into that modality, but let’s move on.
Getting back to my generation – we were brought up pretty much with the stereotypical role models of man, woman, love, marriage, family. Not necessarily in that order. Aside from the societal norms around being in a relationship, love, is a basic human need.
Many of the women that I speak to through my Fakedating forum, are women of a certain age. They are widowed, divorced, grandmothers, singletons. What many of them seem to have in common is that they are – lonely, put upon and overlooked.
Women of a certain age tend to have many responsibilities thrust upon them. They are caregivers for their adult children, their grandchildren, their elderly parents. They may even be in a marriage that does not serve their emotional needs well.
Let me just say, before you jump to conclusions – that I do not really fit into any of the above descriptors. I am definitely not lonely, and as a singleton I don’t have responsibility for others – except of course for my dog.
You don’t need a man to define you
I would hazard a pretty accurate guess, that what is different between myself and a lot of the women who fall for guys they have never met, is that my self esteem is pretty intact. I don’t need the validation from another human being that some of these women seek. It is a sad fact, that even today, many women feel as though they don’t have a life unless they have a man in it.
My self determination has never originated from a man. Just as well really, as I have spent a great deal of my adult life as a singleton, with the odd interlude. Heck, I nearly married the same man twice!
So why do I make this sweeping statement about the self esteem of the women who tend to fall for these fakes? I do this because some of the women I speak to go back time and again. Even with solid proof that the guy that is romancing them is fake – they refuse to believe it. It isn’t just women of a certain age either, I recently had contact from a young woman who wanted to know if there was a future for her relationship with a man who lived in a different country.
In this case, they had met a couple of times. He hadn’t scammed her out of money, but she had coughed up for some not so cheap expenses – I will let you be the judge of his motives for keeping that connection going.
There is more than one reason
So you see, it is not as straightforward as saying that women who get suckered in by these men are just lonely. My guess, is the young lady that reached out to me found it easier to have a remote relationship to meet her need for emotional connectedness. I can’t say for sure why this is as that would only become evident through coaching – and of course, I would not be discussing that here in specific terms.
My suggestion to the young lady that contacted me, was that she may benefit from some personal development to understand why she chooses a distant relationship over a tangible relationship in her everyday life.
Dating in the age of technology
Finding love is never easy, particularly when you are older. The options on how to do this are very different from when I was a young woman. Then, you socialised with friends, and scouted for potential suitors. A bit of flirting and bob’s your uncle – you had a date.
These days – it is all about swiping, hooking up and endless, repeated conversations as you try to find your prince amongst the inevitable fakes, flakes and frogs.
It is not a lost cause though – you just need to keep your wits about you.
I’ll sign off here, but look out for more of my articles in the coming weeks. If anything I have written about here is of interest to you, please comment like and share. You can also check out our social media groups if you would like to connect with like minded women, and get up to date tips on how to stay safe dating online.
It is a lovely (nearly) sunny Sunday morning, and all is good in my world. Ok, so I am getting over a virus but my sore throat has now gone and my coughing isn’t so bad when I am up and about and moving around.
I’ve exchanged a few chatty messages with a couple of new guys – one that I really like, but who lives a tad far away. No matter – we are going to try to meet up the next time he is within reasonable distance for business. The other, just a short train ride away, but so far meh!
I have four dates under my belt now, or five if you count the second date with no. 3. The Fourth one didn’t go so well – I mean, technically it was fine – but I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had nothing in common with this guy – at least, I have no way of knowing if I had anything in common with him as he quite literally dominated the conversation and talked nonstop from the second he sat down to the moment I made my excuses to leave. (When I say conversation, I am being generous – a conversation requires that both parties have a turn to speak).
Fifty minutes in, he thought to ask me a question. I started to answer, but this was soon kicked into touch as he then went on to tell me his version of what I had just shared with him. Thirty minutes into the coffee date and I couldn’t wait to get out of there, I was so bored. I resolved to at least give it an hour, and in the event, it took 1.5 hours before he stopped talking long enough for me to say “I have to head off soon …..”. He looked surprised at this; maybe he thought we were getting on like a house on fire – but then how would he know as he was only paying attention to himself and his relentless (boring) chatter.
Outside of the venue, he asked me which way I was walking, and so I hastily pointed in the opposite direction to they way he was facing (and where he had parked his car). I thanked him for the coffee, and started to move away. At this point, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek – so he kinda missed, but his lips fleeting brushed my skin. Awkward!
So, I suppose 3 out of 4 is not bad. Three guys were lovely dates and I enjoyed spending time with them. Ok, so the first two I did want to take further – but never-the-less, I am glad I met them. Number 3, I enjoyed a second date with, and would be happy to continue dating and exploring. So far so good, but I remain ‘window shopping’.
It was during an interesting conversation with distance-chatty-guy last nigh that I coined the term ‘window shopping’. The message exchange reinforced my view that ‘dating’ means different things to different people. It was during this conversation that I coined the term ‘window shopping’. He knew from our conversation that I had been on two date with No. 3, and he had responded to let him know if and when No. 3 bites the dust.
Now I thought that ‘dating’ meant that you could legitimately meet up with more than one guy; that there is no commitment made to an exclusive relationship until you both decide that is what you want to move onto.
It was also endearing to learn that men find dating anxiety-inducing too.
Men find dating nerve-wracking too
Although, it has to be said that dating no longer holds any fear for me. As I said to distance-chatty-guy, I have my ‘armour’. This is a little black dress that I feel good in when I wear. I dress it up or down depending on whether I am meeting for coffee for for an evening drink. I would not ordinarily wear this dress during the day, but it looks good with a gorgeous scarf that my sister gave me for Christmas – and hey, we all need a confidence boost to get over those first date nerves.
Well, time for me to get on with my day – and get cracking on finding date number 5!
Oh .. on checking the date for my diary, I am reminded that it is my late mother’s birthday! So happy birthday, mum, I hope you are celebrating ‘wherever’ you are.
So, it has been a while since my last post. I am happy to report that I have enjoyed 4 real live dates, (two with the same man) and I have another to look forward tomorrow. It seems as though I have benefitted from the typical ‘January Sales’, as prior to Christmas there wasn’t really very much happening!
Here’s my recipe for surviving that first date!
Arrange to meet quickly; don’t overcook the introduction
Choose comfortable but smart clothes; so you can focus on the cooking rather than fidgeting with your hemline/neckline
Choose a familiar venue; so you don’t have to worry about the ingredients
Don’t drink too much; you don’t want the dish to spoil through over cooking
Always know how you are going to get home; you don’t want to end up with ‘food poisoning’ due to poor planning
Always send a polite thank you text – even if you don’t plan to see your date again; good manners cost nothing and karma influences the overall banquet
I measure success by a) whether I enjoyed myself and b) whether they ask to see me again. It does not matter whether I don’t want to see them again, as the goal has been achieved. I am not expecting Mr Perfect to fall into my lap right now – but I can honestly say that each of the three men that I have met up with have been very nice, and I enjoyed their company. I certainly don’t start my date hoping “this is the one”. I look forward to getting to know the person, and seeing if there is a spark. No great expectations means no great disappointments.
The hardest part is breaking the no-date-yet syndrome
Now that I have enjoyed a number of successful dates, it feels so easy. Each of the men that I have met, I have agreed to meet quickly; this meant that there was no fear. I wasn’t fretting about whether I looked good enough, whether I was slim enough or whether I would have anything interesting to say. Why? Because I wasn’t over invested before I met them.
The nice guy that I had been chatting to since before Christmas, and whom I “ditched” once it became clear he didn’t seem prepared to take a chance because of the distance; now that smarted – because I had allowed myself to become a little invested in him. Although a little sad, as I would have loved to meet him for real – I soon got over it.
Just the beginning of the story
One thing that has become clear to me, is that when you get to my age, although lots of men want a significant relationship, they are unsure (or sometimes very sure) about wanting (or not, as the case may be) a full on relationship. The guy that I have seen twice, although separated for a number of years, is only just finalising his divorce. He said to me:
I don’t really know what I want. I want a significant relationship, but I don’t want to live with someone.
Seems to me he verbalised clearly what he wants. Perhaps he felt he needed to qualify that with “I don’t really know what I want” in an attempt to manage any expectations of his date. Or maybe, it is simply true. My response was:
I don’t know what I want either, but I do know what I don’t want.
That may seem a contradictory statement, but it makes sense in my own head. What do I mean when I say this? If I had to put it into words (which of course, I do seeing as I am referencing it in my blog), it would be that I am clear on what I don’t want but that I am open to options in terms of what I do want. Is that any clearer? No? Ok, let me put it this way:
I would never date a married man
I would never date a man because of what he has
I don’t want a man to “take care of me”, if I found one that was caring and supportive, that is different and very welcome
I would not date a man that I did not find attractive, just to have someone to hang out with
What does dating mean to you?
I pose this question, as within a few minutes of meeting, one of my dates and I had a debate about what “dating” actually is. Whereas I consider that dating is a social relationship where there is a potential for romance, but where you are not (yet) exclusive, he thought dating was rather an American perspective, and for him it was “going for a drink”.
Does this difference in terminology matter? I suppose it might if the two people concerned wanted different things. Some people really do go into this with the idea that the only thing they are looking for is a life mate.
For me, if I find someone that I consider to be so special that I want to commit to them – then that is a bonus. However, I do not plan to remain a romance free zone just because I haven’t found “Mr-Right-For-Me”.
Late to the party
What is interesting for me, is that this is the first time ever in my life that I have ever actually ‘dated‘. In my younger years, once you started meeting up with a guy, you pretty much were “courting” and in a relationship. When I got with my ex, it was pretty instantaneous. Perhaps that was because we had a history (we were together in our late teens/early 20s)? I can’t really be sure on that as I don’t have a lot of experience to go on.
So for now, I am really enjoying my new found dating status. In the past few weeks, I have learned a lot. Although my dating guru counselled me to stick to one hour for the first date, so far they have been: 2 hours, 3 hours and 6 hours (yes really!). I feel confident enough to not have to put a time framework around a date, as, if I felt really uncomfortable, I would simply say my goodbyes and leave.
I have discovered though, that I prefer a daytime coffee date for a first meeting. If the interaction is going well, I am happy to extend that to a drink. I also now know that for an evening date, I need to be disciplined and not go beyond 3 drinks. Not just because I don’t want a hangover the next day, but also because you don’t know your date tipsy, and even the nicest guy can become a little louche under the influence. Although the image in my head was the latter half of the date – I gave him a pass (after all, he had forewarned me that he sticks to ale for a reason!); and so we enjoyed a second date last night.
So, dear diary. All is well in my world. (Except for a raging sore throat – the pitfalls of venturing out and about!).
I would love to hear your dating stories – why not drop me a comment or an email?
It has been an interesting few days. I have enjoyed a couple of dates – both were successful in as much as both expressed an interest in seeing me again (a confidence boost I can tell you). I also got drawn back in to all things fake when approached by someone concerned about her friend who had updated her #Facebook status to say that she was “in a relationship” with a profile that we both know to be fake. This because, the profile is using #CaptainThomas ‘s images.
After a lengthy discussion, I agreed to send a message to the lady in question with links to my website, blog and Facebook page. I did not get a response, however, a quick check showed a status change, back from “in a relationship …..” to “widowed”. I do hope that this lady is able to reach out to her friends to support her, as I am sure she is feeling rather lost and bewildered.
What is love and what does it mean to YOU?
After some harsh words (on my part) I asked the man in question what he wanted. He replied with this – no words, no bullshit. They say a picture can paint a thousands words… well this “sticker” image cut right through to the core of what we are both looking for.
After a few days of not being in contact, I was sent this image this morning. This from a man who simply wants to be part of my life. Again, no words, but a very simple message.
Who knows what the future holds for any of us – all I know is that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and just jump off that safe bridge, and trust that whatever you find at the bottom – you can handle it; good, bad or indifferent.
Not everyone in the world is a stand up person
On checking my email, this morning, I was reminded that the cheats, fakes and scammers aren’t just in the dating world.
This is what I received:
It is a while since I have received emails like this – but I guess that is because the spam filter on my business email is not as well defined as my gmail accounts. It is a salutary reminder that fakery is all around us – and we can’t take it personally. We haven’t been targeted or singled out. Many of these attempts are random – in the hopes that they will hook in one or two that will take the bait.
2018 – a year of new beginnings
Many of us start off a new year full of hope: that things will go our way, we will get slimmer, drink less, be more assertive, get richer, find a better job …..find love!
Let me share with you, dear reader, something I wholeheartedly believe. That the exquisiteness that is life is in the journey. The destination is never guaranteed – just enjoy the journey along the way! If you do that – the destination becomes somewhat irrelevant.
Well dear diary, it has been a while since I posted to you. I decided to forego all things social media during the Christmas/New Year holidays and wasn’t sure whether I would come back to all the fakery or leave it well and truly behind me.
Unfortunately, that is easier said than done, as I continue to receive messages from people who are either being duped by, or know someone who is being duped by fake-Thomases. Not only that, I continue to find many fake profiles approaching me on the various dating websites that I use.
Sadly, I also have to report that I may have been conversing with yet another fake for the past three weeks. More on that later.
On an upbeat note, I am happy to share that I have no less than 4 dates lined up this week! Yes – you read that correctly – I have managed to break free from my dateless status. The first is this afternoon, and I have been primping and preening. Unfortunately, I should have read the label of the product that I bought onboard during my recent cruise – thinking that I was using a dead sea facial mask, the stinging alerted me to the fact that I might have got it wrong!
I am horrified to say that I now have a very angry red patch down the centre of my face! I’m hoping that my priming base and foundation can cover it! I can’t cancel as I promise I wouldn’t – as this one has been a long time coming and I have been decidedly flaky about it. All of the others were arranged within a short time of chatting and certainly on the first day. Best way – keep it short and sweet. Time to make a decision whether to pursue after the initial meeting.
So, what of the other potential paramours I blogged about?
Well, I am sad to reveal that I have come to the conclusion that Dishy-guy was indeed a fake, even though he IM’d me a copy of his passport (who does that?) and updated pictures from his supposed ski-break over the New Year. I wanted to believe that he was real and that he was indeed moving to the UK in April. I never really settled in my mind that he wasn’t fake – and yesterday I just had to make a decision and call his bluff. I am not entirely sure I am right – but hey – if he is a regular, stand up guy he will understand where I am coming from and call me when he actually moves. Won’t be holding my breath on that one! I will blog more about that later, as it is quite interesting the tiny nuggets that kept me from trusting him.
Although the last communication from him has me thinking I have made a terrible mistake!
10th January 2018 (22:44)
Just returned home from my very first date! Yes folks … I actually had one. It was pleasant enough and I certainly enjoyed myself. It made up somewhat for the disappointment earlier in the day when I turned up for what should have been my first date during the afternoon, only to discover on arriving that he had got mixed up and thought we were meeting tomorrow!
He called me and apologised profusely – and we had a long chat on the phone – our first actual conversation as all our communications have been via text and voicemails. This is the one that I have been exchanging texts with for a few months now – and the one who is 15 years younger than me. He persuaded me not to give up on him, and although I had to refuse his invitation to meet tomorrow (I already have a date planned, and after today I decided two dates in one day is too much!) I look forward to meeting him soon.
I have a further two dates this week – one definitely confirmed and the other I need to check on as we have not spoken since. So WOW, yes – 4 dates in 4 days!
So with the exception of the younger guy, all the other dates were made within a short time of exchanging messages. No messing – straight in there. I really do think this is the way to go.
I am sad to report that the one that I really liked has gone by the bye. He lived a bit further away, and although I was willing to give the distance thing a try (only 3 hours down the motorway), it seems he was not. I know he had been unwell, but it felt as though he was cooling on me. I kept telling myself to let it go – but then he initiated contact again – and so encouraged by my dating guru (the only friend I discuss my sorry tales of woe with) I decided to be bold and ask to meet.
To make it seem casual, I messaged him to say that I was visiting family an hour from him, and hoped that we could meet up. I kept checking WhatsApp to see if he had picked up the message – and eventually he did. I did not get an answer though, and although I thought that a little strange, I wondered if he was giving it some thought.
Now – I have no issue with ANY of the men that I am conversing with logging into whichever dating site they use. After all – I still do – it is the nature of the game. But when at 10pm I saw that he was logged into the dating site that we had started communicating on and had STILL not responded, I got pretty pissed off. More-so with myself as I had allowed myself to start to bond with him by the nature of our conversations and the length of time we had been chatting.
Needless to say, I hurried off a message to say that I got the message and wished him well. I didn’t wait around for a reply and cleared all our messages from WhatsApp (of which there were many), blocking him in the process. I also unmatched with him on the dating site.
I was a little sad, as I really liked this guy. When I also ditched the Viking I was even sadder. Moreso it felt, then when I discovered Fake-Thomas was not real. (or maybe with the passage of time I have forgotten how upset I was initially).
Tomorrow’s date is with Tommy-2-houses, as my guru has so kindly nicknamed him. He is quite a bit older than me but I like the look of him (although he has admitted the picture is a little out of date) and when he called me we got on like a house on fire and the conversation flowed for over an hour.
I am not expecting it to develop into anything – but I am proud of the fact that I am going out of my comfort zone a little. After all – nothing much was happening with the approach I was taking and so why not? I may even be surprised and find that I fancy him after all!
Oh dear! I think I might have just blown it with someone rather dishy:-(
My fakedar is so sensitive that I am no longer giving people a chance. This profile, a really cute guy, messaged me. I was about to make a joke about him being too cute to be a genuine profile when I saw the detail in his message. I mean …. it was long. Of course, my initial response to him confused him somewhat and he asked me to explain. I tried to keep it light and briefly told him that I had recently been duped, and so I was ultra cautious online, and there were things about his profile that were red flags to me.
Firstly, he claims to be Scandinavian, living in Canada, and moving to the UK in the spring of 2018. Ok, so that would take care of any grammatical issues.
Secondly, was the very long message he sent to me. Regular guys don’t do this – they say hi, or you’re gorgeous …. or maybe even something a little rude. They do not send chapter and verse as an introduction.
But then I took a look at his profile – and boy, that was very long and detailed too. As I read it though, it slowly dawned on me that maybe on this occasion I had got it wrong! The things he wrote about were very specific and he talked about his siblings, about his job, and about his plans.
Maybe it is time to take a break from online
It seems, dear diary, that I can no longer discern between a real profile and a fake one. Not surprising really that my fakedar is hypersensitive – I mean, I am coming across up to 5 fake profiles every day.
The realisation that I can no longer trust my own judgement brought me to tears. Only for a few seconds but nonetheless, as hot tears prickled my cheeks, I resolved that I was just going to leave it alone.
I am not finding what I am looking for – and I have been full-on participating. Checking out profiles, clicking and swiping – giving guys a second look when I don’t get that gut feeling that yeah, I would like to get to know them better at first glance.
Cancelled guy doesn’t seem to be speaking to me anymore, although he said he understood my reasons for cancelling. (No, I didn’t tell him about my hangover, but gave a more acceptable – and actually truthful scenario as the reason for my backing out). He hasn’t picked up my last two messages – and who can blame him? I know he works through the day and maybe he just didn’t get to them – but hey – I’ve binned guys for being flaky too.
Is there ever any point to compromise?
Of course, there is nice guy – and we chat a lot. I’m not sure though – that there is enough of a spark between us to take it any further. We had agreed to meet, although a date and time has not been set in stone. He’s not the pushy type – but hey – it would be good to know he isn’t just going through the motions.
And then there is cute guy. I actually quite like cute guy, and he is pushing to meet. Everyday, he tries to persuade me to let him come over. Trouble is, dear diary, we want different things. At the outset of this period of online-dating-dalliance, I was very clear in my own mind what I did and didn’t want. So why am I even considering changing the rules to suit a man that although cute, I don’t actually know? Ok, so yes, he does message me every day. Yes, he would travel the 35 or so miles at the drop of a hat if I agreed to see him. As I have mentioned before, there is a 15 year age gap. Had I met this guy in a bar, and he asked me out – I am sure I would give it a try.
I think though, that when you haven’t met, it is so much harder to know whether the spark is there or not. Photographs are all well and good, but you need to see the crinkle around their eyes, the upturned mouth as they smile – and more importantly, you need to be drawn to them in such a way that is simply just not possible unless you meet in the skin.
So, dear diary, why don’t I just meet him? Well, I had agreed to meet him next week – but then he texted me yesterday asking if he could pop in. I mean, pop in? You do that when you are around the corner – not when you are 35+ miles away. I suppose the answer to that is that I don’t want to have to deal with the disappointment if the spark is not there.
Crazy I know …. the truth is – that we have shared a little too much for it to just be an “oh let’s meet and see if we like each other” deal. I like him. I actually like him. He insists that he really likes me too. I’m not so convinced. I think he enjoys the banter and likes the fact that I am not easily phased if he tries to become a little risque. After all, we are both adults – and I am more than capable of taking him down a peg or two if needed. Which I have – and do!
Ok, so I was a bit naughty this morning and let him think that he could come over – and when he was all “wow” about it … I countered that I hadn’t finished my sentence. He didn’t reply after that. I don’t blame him really … I mean … he can’t make it any plainer. But then, I can’t make it any plainer either what my deal is. He agrees to it and then he tries to change the plan.
So, dear diary, I am not convinced that I will meet him. Maybe then, I should let him off the hook that he seems to be dangling from. I’m not one to be a spoilsport – but yes, I can be a bit of a tease if I have a mind to be. Between the two of us, I rather think it is I who is playing games.
A second bite at the cherry?
Well, the rather dishyguy who I accused of being fake has messaged me again. I have decided to interact with him but just be cautious – as I always am. I mean, nothing ventured nothing gained right? And if he does turn out to be fake, it can only hurt me if I fall for it. That, dear diary, is not something I will let happen again.
Oh, and Captain Lindegaard is back on Facebook. Albeit he has shared that he is keeping his profile private. I don’t blame him. There is a gang of men misappropriating his identity and his images. It incenses me that Facebook, where the majority of the fake profiles are – do nothing to tackle this issue.
I’m also getting a little weary of some of the more persistent messages that I receive on my Facebook page. I mean, seriously, all contributions to the cause are to be applauded – but please, don’t give me a hard time about who I am – anyone who wants to know who I am can check me out by following the links to my websites or my blog!
That dear diary, is all I have to say for now …. as my fingers and toes are cold and I need to go switch the heating on!
Well, dear diary, I have pretty much lost the past two days. Newcastle on Thursday didn’t happen which was a huge disappointment as I had been looking forward to it. Instead, my girlfriend and I headed off into town for a few drinks. My protestations that I wasn’t going to have too much went out the window; one sip of the gorgeousness that is the Margarita cocktail at Macy’s was enough to tip me over into – well, I’m not quite sure what but I have no idea why I hammered it so much that night.
The evening was pleasant enough, as it always is with my friend – we had a bit of a deep and meaningful (as much as you can when fuelled by alcohol) about something that is going on in our lives, and then it was to home – after Cheesy Chips from the not-so-dodgy-kebab-shop nearby.
Well that, my dear diary, was a HUGE mistake. I won’t gross you out with the details, but suffice to say I was regretting the decision to have quite so many cocktails for two days
Yes, you read that right – TWO WHOLE DAYS lost to the queasiness and hungoverness that was me for the next 48 hours. I had to kiss goodbye to my coffee date in a nearby city and I pretty much spent the next two days recovering in bed.
Never again, I lamented – we’ve heard that before, responded the rather cute guy that was the only joy amongst the detritus that was me over those few days. Of course, the joy was at a safe text-only-distance. I could banter to my heart’s content with him without having to get out of bed to clean off the remnants of Thurday night’s makeup. Yes, dear diary – I was THAT bad.
Is there a reason for my over the top drunkeness?
Hmmm …. good question. I reflected on what went wrong. After all, I have always enjoyed a good drink but it has been many years since I got into the kind of state that I was in Thursday. I clearly can’t be trusted around Margarita’s anymore – so they are well and truly off the menu!
Ok, so the past few weeks have actually been a lot of fun in as much as I have enjoyed writing, and I have enjoyed being focused on a project – the #FakeProfileFightback campaign. I have played to the humour of my woes of dating as a middle aged woman, and I have continued to report fake profiles when I have come across them – yesterday, I reported no less than FIVE fake profiles on Match.com. I also came across a fake profile on Tinder – but simply unmatched as the only proof I had was the fact that he was 3.5k miles away, and the rather inane message. It went like this:
What a beautiful smile you have on your face no doubt, if someone can see through the heart your heart must be as beautiful as the smile on your face.
Uggh. I guess one of the saddest things that has come out of my dupee-status is that it is now near impossible for anyone to say anything nice to me. Yes sure, I believe I am a good soul, and what you see is what you get. That said, this guy does not know me from Adam, and that is not the typical first message one would receive.
Indeed, first messages are a really good indicator of whether the profile is fake. Too much detail. Poor English. Good English but the misuse of s on the end of words – essentially rendering the word plural where it does not make sense to use a plural word. I could go on; let’s leave that one there for now and get back to my original question.
What is going on with me?
The answer to that is I am not really sure. Now that the frantic writing and posting has slowed down, I guess I am actually feeling quite disappointed that, despite spending a considerable amount of money on paid memberships to dating sites, I have yet to have one date. Ok – so I did have a date Friday that I had to cancel – that though, was not from a paid for site.
I also had the opportunity to meet up with cute guy, but to be honest, although I like him and I enjoy the banter between us – it is clear we want different things. I protest that I am happy just to have a little fun meeting people without any expectations – but to be honest my heart is not really in it if at the outset the object of my interest is not looking for at least the potential of a relationship.
Ok, so I do believe that cute guy is actually much nicer than he lets on and is hiding behind his stated objective. He is though, 15 years younger than me – and whereas he has made absolutely no mention of my age, and professes to really like my pictures (which are all very recent), I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment.
There is another side to how I feel, though, one that I am a little reluctant to share. I miss the Captain. Crazy isn’t it? I’m not really sure whether I miss Fake-Thomas or the small interaction I had with Real-Thomas. Whatever pragmatism that came over me when I finally found out that Thomas Falconer was a dupe, it can’t be denied that for nearly 3 weeks I had developed a bond with this guy.
I always knew that I was determined to enjoy the journey no matter how things ended up. Sure, none of it was real – but the emotions and the feelings were, triggered as they were by my over active amygdala.
Where did it all go wrong?
My whole adult life, I have only had THREE serious relationships. Two of those were with the same man. You can read about that one and the resultant fallout here: Lost love.
I do recall proclaiming at 16 that I would never marry. It was not that I did not want to marry, I just hadn’t had the best example of a happy marriage growing up – and it put me off. I’m not going to turn this post into a debate about childhood angst, although that is something I will return to later with my professional hat on.
I recall my father saying to me in my 30s that my best years were behind me – and I really should think about settling down. Sure, I had flings and crushes, but nothing ever lasted very long. I did fall very much in love – or so I thought – with Paul, in the year that my father died.
I had been single for quite a while, having ended my relationship with the second serious guy (after ending my first serious relationship to have the chance to go out with him.)
We met on a night out, and it was one of those connections, that for me, was instant. Initially we spent a lot of time together, and although I was a bit closed off from sharing my emotions, I felt exceptionally happy that I had found this guy, and believed he was THE ONE. Then he dropped a bombshell.
Life can be so cruel
Here was a guy that I was madly in love with, albeit I had not shared with him how I felt. One weekend, when he was staying with me, we were lazing around when he suddenly seemed quiet and serious. I joked:
“It feels as though you are about to say you can’t see me anymore”.
Instinctive though I am, I really did not believe what I was saying – or maybe I just didn’t want to. When he confirmed to me that was indeed what he was saying, the bottom fell out of my heart.
He asked that he could stay for the remainder of the weekend, so that we could enjoy our last time together. Really? I mean really? He had just broken my heart – and yet he wanted me to play nice. In somewhat of a daze, I agreed to go to a park with him. There he tried to entice me to play some kind of bizarre game – I don’t quite recall it, but I remember it reflected how different he was from other guys I had met.
So, to the evening, when it was time for him to leave.
I was so upset I could hardly speak. He went upstairs to gather his things, and when he returned, he found me on the telephone (no mobile phones in those days, dear diary), confirming an arrangement to meet. He asked me who I was arranging to meet, and I lied to him. I made out that I was meeting another man – I wanted to prick through to his heart in the hopes that he would come to his senses and take back what he had told me earlier in the day.
Instead, he simply closed his eyes, and I saw the tears roll down his cheeks.
Why? Why are you doing this when you so clearly care for me as much as I do you?
Of course, these words, screeching though they were, were in my head, and not a sound passed my lips.
I could not look at him, let alone speak to him as he left. As soon as the door was closed, I dissolved into tears. Life, at this point, dear diary, felt so unfair.
I had thought to follow him, but I didn’t see the point, as his mind was made up. Although in a subsequent telephone conversation he had said to me he kept turning around on his way to the train station, hoping that I had come after him.
The bravest thing anyone of us can do when life is tough is – LIVE
I know that he thought he was doing the right thing, and I know that life had felt very tough for him over the last year. What he hadn’t shared with me in the short time I had known him was that he had applied to join the army. He did not want what was happening with me to derail that – as he believed that joining the army was the only way to salvage what he believed to be the remnants of his disintegrated life.
Of course, it didn’t end there. There were telephone conversations, and tears and tantrums. Ok, so I admit, the tantrum was from me not him.
On one particular evening, I was screaming like a banshee down the phone at him. So concerned was he that he asked a friend (the guy he was with when we met) to drive him over from his town to mine. Knowing that he would come, I put on a great show of hauling a case downstairs and filling it with clothes.
When he arrived, he checked I was okay, took in the case, and asked me where I was going. I rather haughtily informed him that I was moving to London (I had lived in the south previously for 7 years, so it wasn’t that ridiculous a statement, dear diary).
I don’t recall what he said to me, but I do remember that he left. My little ploy had not worked. He hadn’t changed his mind, and we were still broken up.
Oh well (I thought), I’m already packed – so I might as well move to London after all!
And that, dear diary, is how I came to move back down south!
Second time round was not so good
I might have lived in the south for 7 years quite happily three years previously, but when I returned – living and working in London – I hated it.
I hated that it took me so long to get to work, I hated my job, I hated sharing a house with people I didn’t know, and I hated being away from him. Of course, even if I had stayed in my home town, I would have still been away from him.
Within six months, I was so depressed that I just had to come home. One morning, as I sat drying my very long hair, I just could not face the commute into Victoria Street where I worked. Instead, I gathered my belongings together and booked a cab. As the driver took me to Kings Cross we chatted. He said to me, wisely, there are other jobs and other places to live. My mind was made up – I was going home.
So I arrived back at my house, which fortunately I had not rented out this time, and dumped my belongings. I then walked the short distance to my parents house and let myself in. As I greeted my father, he said:
Hello, what are you doing here?
I got depressed so I came home.
Fair enough, put the kettle on will you?
And that, dear diary, was the extent of that conversation.
Over the next few weeks I did the round of the employment agencies, and secured myself a temping PA role at a major pharmaceutical company about 20 miles away. I was due to start work on the Monday, and I was just keeping my head low. I had not washed my hair or bathed for some days, and I certainly wasn’t expecting any visitors.
Life can throw up the most amazing surprises
I recall it was 10pm when I heard a knock at the door. Who on earth could that be? I wasn’t expecting anyone, and I certainly wasn’t going to open the door with greasy hair and clothes that could do with being in the wash pile rather than on me.
I resolutely ignored the knocking – but it continued, and continued – whoever this was had no intention of leaving without seeing me. So, I dragged myself up from where I lay on the settee – and as I approached the door – I quite simply stopped in my tracks.
Even through the frosted glass windows of the door, I recognised that frame. I would know it anywhere. Why? Because, dear diary, I had been in love with him since the day I met him!
For a few seconds I was frozen. What!?? How could I open the door to him looking (and probably smelling) as though I hadn’t washed in weeks??
Of course, I did. And there he stood – that stupid cheeky grin on his face, and holding a bottle of red wine. I think I said something along the lines of “what are you doing here”. I don’t remember the response, but of course, I let him through the door.
That he turned up at my doorstep was simply bewildering. After all – how did he know that I had returned from London? Ok, so he may not have quite believed me when I proclaimed I was moving to London – but we had spoken on the telephone and he knew that I was actually living there. To this day, I still do not know how he knew I was back home. After all, it had only been a few weeks since I returned. Of course, he could have telephoned my aunt (where I was first staying) as that is where I called him from. Or perhaps he didn’t really believe that I had moved to London! Who knows. As I say, I never did find out.
The twitching of the eye and the stumbling words
Yes, dear diary, that was me. As I sat on one settee, and he on the other – I quite simply was twitching of the eye, and stumbling over my words. I was also repeating myself, which he teased me about. I was also throwing cushions at him.
Somehow, we ended up on the same settee. I tried to push him away from me as I was soooo embarrassed about my greasy hair. It was very long at the time, and although it definitely needed a good wash, it did hang rather nicely! So, it may have looked nice, but it certainly did not smell nice and I did not want him getting too close to me.
He laughed at this, as he recalled how I had always had a thing about how clean my hair was. It wasn’t long though, dear diary, before I was in his arms and tasting the sweet kisses of the man I had not stopped loving in the time we had been apart.
I pushed him out of the door, ignoring his pleadings to be allowed to stay the night. No – I will see you in the morning as arranged, I told him resolutely.
That night I hardly slept, and the next morning I took special care to make sure my hair was squeaky clean and I looked as good as I could. The frizzon of excitement as he drove up the next morning made me dizzy with anticipation. As he fussed around me in the car, making sure I was comfortable, I really didn’t know what to think.
He drove us to the lake district and we had a lovely day. We ate a nice lunch, we played some pool, and then later still he teased me for proclaiming what a wonderful view the mountains made. He had a prior arrangement with friends, and so had to get back to meet with them in the early evening.
When we arrived back, and as I gathered my things – he asked if he could come over after he had met with his friends. I hurriedly told him that I didn’t think that was a good idea as I flounced out of the car. I telephoned my girlfriends and arranged to go out with them that evening. I had half expected him to turn up (as he had done on other occasions), but he did not.
As I lay alone in my bed, I reflected on why I had given him the cold shoulder. Why I hadn’t encouraged him to come over once he had met with his friends. I suppose the answer to that one is that I couldn’t cope with him turning up like that. I had been in a very low mood – and I guess I simply pushed him away. Did I want to get back with him? Hell yes! I had since the day he broke it off with me.
So as the day progressed … I hovered anxiously near the phone. Wanting to call him (as I knew he would be staying with his mother and step-father) but not daring to. It took me THREE hours to pluck up the courage to call.
His mother answered the phone, and although we had never met, she knew enough about me to know who I was. I had just missed him – he had quite simply just left a few minutes before to return to his army base. Hang on, she beseeched – and she hightailed after him and brought him back to the house to speak to me.
To say he was surprised to hear from me was an understatement. The best I could do was mumble:
Don’t be a stranger.
To this he responded that he thought I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I don’t really recall what I said to him, but the next thing out of his mouth was this:
Do you love me?
I had never once told him how I felt about him – and I wasn’t about to now. All I could utter was some profanity which had him roaring with laughter (he knew I wasn’t really one for using bad language).
So, dear diary, we said our goodbyes. Again!
Some months later, we discovered that my father had terminal cancer. This had come as quite a shock, as he had not complained of feeling ill. He had though, returned early from Portugal where he was looking for a suitable place for he and my mother to winter.
Although I was in shock at this news, I went into some kind of “sensible” automaton mode. The one person I did want to share this news with though, was Paul. So I rang his barracks and asked them to pass a message on. When he called me later, it turned out that soldiers with guns had pulled him off an exercise so that he could return to barracks and call me. Oh, that was a tad embarrassing.
As time went on, the surgeons stabilised my father enough for him to return home. He lasted only three weeks.
He died at 3am with his family around him. Not I though, I was in the next room – I couldn’t bring myself to be there as his breathing was so laboured, and the stark contrast with the silences as his breathing gradually slowed was too much to bare.
At 9am, I called the barracks, and asked that they could let Paul know that my father had passed away; I also asked them not to interrupt if he was in the middle of something.
Within a very short time, the phone rang and it was him. His CO had offered him the use of the phone in his office, but he had said that he wanted to take the call in private.
We talked, and he asked me to visit him. I responded that it really wasn’t possible for me to do that as I needed to be with my family, and so he arranged to get leave and came up that weekend to stay with me.
My father knew about Paul, and now and then he would ask me about him. In his hospital bed, he asked me if I had spoken with him, and I told him that I had. He replied “everything will turn out ok then”. My brother said to me later, he just wanted to know that you would be alright.
So, dear diary, it was a very strange weekend for me. My father had just died, but I felt a sense of happiness at having the man I loved beside me.
Rather trepidatiously, I asked him what this meant for us. I will never, to this day, understand why he told me that we were together again.
My happiness was short lived. He did call me a couple of times although unfortunately I was out with friends. I will never know why he did this – but he quite simply stopped calling. No explanation – nothing.
The pain I felt was indescribable. Here I was, recently bereaved, and the focus should have been on my father. Instead, I was hurting over a man who had quite simply dumped me again.
That dear diary, was not the last time I heard from him again. But it was the last time I ever saw him.
A few months later I collapsed at work with stress. I took some time off, and my sister and her husband took me to a nearby camping ground with their caravan and their dog. I spent a few days there but cut it short when the weather turned bad.
What I could not know, dear diary, as I reflected on how weird it would be if Paul was nearby – was that – he actually was.
I had dialled into my voicemail at home – and there was this bizarre beagle howl. This could only be one person. The beagle thing and the howl was a joke between us. When I returned home the phone rang. It was him. We spoke for a while – and then he said something to me that made me see red.
I left him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him – and I never heard from him again. Oh, except that one Christmas there was again a frantic knock at the door at 10pm. In those days, there wasn’t really anyone that I knew who would call at that hour.
This time, dear diary, I did not answer it.
I think it took about 10 years for me to get over what had happened, and to stop secretly hoping that our paths would cross again. Now, as a woman in her mature years – I can see it for what it was. At the time, it felt as though I had lost THE ONE.
Sadly, and I am not entirely sure why – I’ve kept men at arms length Okay well, maybe I do know why.
You will see, if you read my lost love post, that I did have another chance of happiness that came in October 2011. I reunited with my first serious boyfriend. We had been engaged, but grew apart. Or at least, I grew apart from him. The second time around, I ended it again three months after he moved to South Africa.
So, to get back to my original question – what is wrong with me?
I think there is a small amount of sadness that I thought I had found someone special in Fake-Thomas. I mean, if I hadn’t been affected by what happened then I wouldn’t be human, right?
I won’t dwell on it though – I have experienced much worse in my life. After all, it is not what goes wrong that counts – it is how you deal with it.
I am dear diary, proud of the lemonade that I made from life’s lemons on this occasion.
Well, dear diary, it was my birthday yesterday. So I took the day off from all things social media, save for Mr Facebook where birthday greetings were popping up. It is nice to get those messages, particularly when you live alone. The dog doesn’t much care whether it is my birthday and so I keep telling him, “hey, it’s my birthday, come give mamma a cuddle”. Sure he cuddled me – but not because it was my birthday.
I had high expectations, dear diary, for this birthday. There would be loving attention from my new paramour, and we would have finalised our arrangements to meet and celebrate our birthdays which were weeks apart. Oh wait – none of that was real. That’s right, dear diary, I was consigned to spending the day ALONE, yet again. Sad? Well, not really. Let me explain why.
On Monday evening I had dinner with good friends. Fairly new friends, but friends like I never had before. Ok, so actually, that is not quite true – I did have one (still do but never see her these days as we don’t live close by and she is always super busy) but I haven’t had friends that do so much for me and welcome me into their home so regularly – and live just the other side of the park! I found it a little too full on initially, however, this woman – although she continues to infuriate me now and again when she crosses my boundaries (yep, still have those), she is good to me and good for me.
I like her husband too – so it makes for amiable get-togethers. In fact, the only dissension is that our pooches can be quite rowdy together. Here they are when they were less so .. (damn, I can’t get Dillon to look at the camera!).
The morning was an excruciatingly early start, as I had signed up and paid to go to a business network meeting. This was being held at a new local restaurant – and I quite wrongly assumed it was an evening function. I was not best pleased when I realised, but at least I did – and wasn’t a no-show, turning up expectantly in the evening; and being disappointed!
I had the option of going to a Match.com singles night that was being held in Leeds, but decided that it was a bit too far away and that a singles night did not justify the expense of the train and a hotel.
So I spent the day quietly, reading my birthday messages and drinking cocktails. Slurp. I bought some delicious cheese from the local shop and had one of those lazy days that are a luxury.
At teatime, I decided that I would treat myself to a banquet of chinese food via Just Eat. I received a text notification at 18:05 to say my food was on its way. I was still waiting over half an hour later, and as I abhor poor customer service, this put me in a bit of a whingey mood. I was convinced the food would arrive cold, and having taken a closer look at the reviews, was also convinced that it would not taste good.
Several phone calls and IM chats later, my food arrived 50 minutes after the text notification. The appetisers were indeed lukewarm, however, the remainder of the meal was hot. It was just a shame that I was unable to recognise the shredded cucumber and veg that was meant to accompany my duck pancakes – I found them later.
The celebrations don’t end there though – I’m off to a nearby city Thursday with a girlfriend and I am sure we will have one or two cocktails to mark my birthday.
A momentary moment of sadness
So a full tum and a few more cocktails restored my humour. I did, however, experience a momentary moment of intense sadness. This birthday was supposed to be so different. It was meant to be spent full of anticipation of meeting the guy that I believed would be so important in my life going forward.
I shook this off, and, having finished the cava that was the base for my cocktails, poured myself a rather stiff gin and tonic which was part of the very generous birthday gift that newbie-friend gave me the night before.
I am not one to wallow. At least, not anymore. I used to believe in a good wallow – a visit though, rather than a long stay. Not so much these days. I tend to reflect and then move on – distracting myself with something positive. Much as I did when I started my website and blog to work through my feelings at been duped.
So what is next for me?
I will continue to blog about my dating woes, as long as it pleases me to do so. I have now paid up to Zoosk, as although this is one that I had not rated, it came highly recommended in an article I was reading. So far, I have had some interesting conversations, but I haven’t come across anyone that I want to have a real live date with yet.
As for Match.com – I noticed that cute guy had viewed my profile again. So, I excitedly (ok, well, half excitedly) sent him a THIRD message, simply saying Boo! Ok, so I have no idea why this guy winked at me, viewed me multiple times, and has not responded to my messages. Either he is a fake profile designed to make the site look busy, or he is super shy. I quite like shy men – but like my dogs, I don’t want one so shy that they won’t engage.
It is unusual for me to send two messages let alone three when I don’t get a response. There was something about cute guy though, that made me want to get to know him better. Oh well, another one bites the dust.
The business network meeting that I went to was good, although I thought a little expensive for breakfast (nice though it was) and a small gathering. In fact, the organiser shared that until the lunch time the day before, there were only two people signed up to attend. One of them was me – and the other was actually a friend of mine.
As it turned out, there were some good contacts there that invited me to meet for a coffee, and so I look forward to that next week. Who knows, some collaboration may come of it, but I also know that to want to work with me …. you have to meet me. I’m one of those people that either draws you in or I don’t – and if you are hanging on my every word in a face to face, then it is a good bet that you value what I am saying. One size does not fit all, and it is the relationship (or potential relationship) that you buy into.
Captain McDreamy is no more
The other thing that I did yesterday was cut my ties with Captain McDreamy. It was time to let him go. I no longer follow him on Twitter or Instagram, and I no longer fight his battle by hunting down fake profiles using his images and identity. That after all, is his problem, dear diary.
I will though, continue to out any fake profiles that I come across, whether they contain his image or others. It is a sad reflection that every couple of days at least, I am approached by someone who is a fake. If I suspect as much, I simply ask them what they would say if I told them that I had been duped and that I am now ultra cautious. They soon disappear, I can tell you.
Getting back to the day job
It has been fun blogging about my dating woes, and I think that it is important to keep the message going, as there are women out there who do still fall for these dupes. I will do so now, more from a professional point of view – as an add on if you will, to my professional endeavours. I will continue to share parts of my WhatsApp Romance as I think it would be useful to share the messages that actually hooked me in. Also, the ones where there were ever so slight red flags. So imperceptible that I dismissed them – not out of hand, as I did consider whether they were evidence of fakery, but hey – there were plausible explanations for his hair being slightly longer in one video than the other.
Attending the business networking meeting reminded me what I am good at, and fired up my enthusiasm to get cracking. I had taken a sort of sabbatical in the last year or so as I dealt with a health issue. That is now under control, and I have no excuse for not getting back to the work I love. I had lapsed my professional website domain, but on arriving home purchased a new one. So I now have three to keep me occupied! Each a different aspect of my professional life.
Would that we see ourselves as others do
I have been chatting a lot via IM to a real life friend who lives out of town. She recently asked me for help with a particular thing in her life, and the conversation progressed to – actually – what is the root of any issue that may be present. (I am after all, a coach, right?). I took, the opportunity, though, as part of my endeavour to have her see herself through the eyes of another to ask her what my top three strengths were. She came up with this:
1. Good communicator
2. Excellent skills at writing engaging prose
3. Good at reading people
This is nothing that I don’t already know about myself, but even for confident peeps like me, it is gratifying to have that recognition.
I then asked her what her top three strengths were. At first, as I knew she would, she struggled and resorted to self-deprecation. She did though, come up with three – however, they were more about what she does than who she is. It is clear that my lovely friend, though outwardly confident and bolshy, is lacking in self esteem.
Now I do believe that self esteem is fluid. I know there are times when my own can diminish somewhat. That said, this is less often, and even in very low times where I experience clinical depression – my self esteem remains reasonably intact. This is a welcome change, and reveals to me that what is happening to me is burn out of some kind that has affected both my mood and my thinking, which does become skewed – as it does for all people who experience depressive episodes.
Self esteem, though, is the core root to a lot of ills. We live in such a fast paced society these days where we are bombarded with images of perfection. For me – also somewhat of a perfectionist (but less so these days, I would hope), one of the most revealing and welcome reflections from studying for my masters, was that I learned to do “just enough” to pass. At the time I had been away from work for 3 years (all with a mortgage and no means of support other than a student loan), I had THREE part time jobs. I did not have the time, therefore, to procrastinate over every piece of work.
During my under grad degree – I worked my ass off – not because I was a perfectionist so much, but because I thought I NEEDED to work that hard to just scrape a pass. As it happens, I came out with a First Class degree. My third year, though, was less frantic than peers. The first three months of my first year I played a little more than I worked, so used was I to having to be constrained to an office 9-5. It was a curious sense of freedom to be able to pop into the student union at 11am if I wanted to and have a pint!
After the first semester though, I knuckled down. My second year, I worked equally hard, learning my craft. I had, after all, been away from formal education for over 20 years. This meant, that by my third year, I was so relaxed that I sailed through it, the words of one of my lecturers ringing in my head after I had asked the question: all you need to do to achieve a good degree is work 9-5. Ok, so he did not mean 9-5 literally; what he meant was, that you did not have to work every hour god sent.
My plans for 2018
So, dear diary, my plans for 2018 are pretty much formed without having given it much thought. I will work towards furthering my professional aspirations, and continue to grow my coaching practice.
Oh, and I also have a visit to Canada to look forward to. When a friend moved out there 3 years ago I promised I would visit. It is time to keep that promise.
Well, dear diary, that is all I have time for. Time to get back to some household chores, as they have been rather neglected of late. Then to re-conceive my professional website and get that up and running.
As ever, if anything I have written about here resonates with you, please do comment, like and share.
This momma has turned into a cougar, albeit a budget one, as I ain’t wealthy by any means! At least – I was for an hour or so. Let me explain …
Oh wait … before I do – I just have to share this with you.
A woman reached out to me on Instagram and was sharing her experiences of an attempt to dupe her using Captain Lindegaard’s images. (There’s a lot of it about!). So we are chatting away, and then a thought suddenly occurs to me. Here is the exchange that followed:
Erm ok, so maybe using Captain Lindegaard’s image as my profile pic on Instagram has backfired!
I am no longer a would-be-cougar … I am now a gay man!! The mind boggles. Hmmm.. let’s leave that one there shall we?
Ok, so back to my original blog topic. Am I a cougar-in-the-making? Well, dear diary – not really. My newly acquired cougar status lasted all of a couple of hours. Here’s what happened.
I had been contacted by a few young guys, ranging in age – the oldest being 31, the youngest 26. Now, the 31 year old was quite cute – in fact, probably a little bit too cute and definitely of the pretty boy persuasion (as I have stated before, I am a visually-orientated-kinda-gal).
Having knocked back a fair few of them, the youngest (at least, the youngest that I actually engaged with) made a few rather mature comments. Take a look:
Then this happened!
This was the parting shot!
Brutal? Maybe. In my defence, the guy got me onto WhatsApp under false pretences. He came across as mature and not having any expectations other than getting to know me – and, as I said, he seemed so mature. WRONG!
Not only that, when I went back to take a peek at his bio, I discovered that he lived at home with his parents! Maybe that was the attraction of an older woman – more likely to have their own place to hang out in!!!
So, ok, I admit – I was tempted to meet up with him. Afer all, age is but a number, right? Ok – well maybe it is more complicated than that. The reason the initial chat with this guy made me decide that I would take a chance on him was that he did not seem to have a “thing” for older women as most younger guys that approach me do. Instead, he expressed that he just didn’t really think it was an issue. There are plenty of examples of age-gap couples out there – and I wondered whether I was missing a trick by being so narrow in my view about this.
After all, finding a long term love is only part of the equation – the other part is about spending time in the company of an interesting man, and having someone to have dates with other than my girlfriends. Believe me, a night out with the girls is very different to a night out with a date.
All is not lost
Or so I thought. I got to wondering why it was (apart from the age bias that I suspect happens with Match.com) that I was receiving next to no messages from guys on the site. I mean, I scrub up ok when I make the effort, and I put my most recent decent pictures up – all from late September 2017 onwards.
So where was I going wrong? Ok, so my habit of clicking yay or nay based on the picture alone wasn’t really getting me anywhere – so if I thought the guy was my age or a little younger, I checked out what age range he was looking for. If I was only a year or so out I would still give an indicator that I had checked out and was interested in his profile.
I decided to investigate this a little further and I discovered, that for all the zillions of profiles on Match, only a small percentage of profiles are paid members. This means, dear diary, that I most probably was winking or messaging men that could not reply. This might also explain why a cute guy that winked at me did not respond to my message.
Now some sites do let you know who are paid members, but alas, not the sites I am signed up to. There was only one thing for it. I hesitated for a moment pondering on whether I really wanted to initiate a conversation with a guy who was too miserly to stump up the cash, then I thought – in for a penny in for a pound. So I paid for an extra – so that men could message me for free. Ok, at the very least, this would be a good experiment in determining whether it was me/my profile or lack of membership that was keeping me dateless.
So the experiment begins
Well, so far, I can’t say that my message traffic has gone up that much, but I did enjoy a couple of hours banter with a rather cute guy that I thought was just up the road. Turns out that I had misread the location, and he was in fact a couple of hours away, not the 30 minutes I had thought. This guy was pretty cute, and I was hopeful that my luck had changed.
Alas ….not so. On requesting that I send him some “pictures”, my refusal elicited this response!
Definitely not a hero then!
Is it time to give up with online?
So, today, it is quiet again in Match, safe for a few views from guys that I am not interested in, a wink from a guy who lives hours away, and oh – a message from not a bad looking guy who – ok, lived miles away – but for the right guy, that wouldn’t matter, right? WRONG.
The first alarm bell was that the guy winked at me before looking at my profile. Ok, so maybe he saw me in the “discover” shuffle that lets you swipe left or right for potential matches. It is quite feasible that a guy might wink without looking at my profile as there is a smattering of detail shared on the “cards” that are presented.
The second alarm bell was that there was only one picture – although Google reverse image did not throw up any issues.
The third alarm bell was that his requirements for a match were very broad, almost as though he did not care.
The final straw that broke the match was that on sharing with him that I had recently been the subject of a dupe, he stopped messaging me. Hmmm … a genuine guy would most certainly have responded, if only to have a go for thinking they were a dupe.
I hesitated for all of half an hour before reporting my concern about the profile. I did not want to jeopardise a potential match – but then, I am pretty certain I would have heard back from him within 5 minutes if he had been genuine. Of course, he may have been called away to attend to something – or, more likely, he was simply yet another fake.
Ok, so that is all I have time for just now, dear diary. It is my birthday tomorrow and Dillon’s best pal Spotty has invited me over for dinner tonight – or at least his hoomans have.
As ever, stay safe online, dear reader – and if you would like to share your experiences of online dating, comment, like or share this blog to spread the word.
Today I have mostly been nursing a slight hangover! Went out with a girlfriend last night with the intention of staying out only an hour or so to check out a brand new bar, which had just opened that day.
I must say, I was very impressed. The venue is lovely…a complete transformation from the family owned Greek restaurant that had occupied the premises for more than 35 years! I was a little disappointed though that on subsequent trips to the bar I either had to wait for the staff to stop chatting to each other before they noticed me …or even worse …being unnoticed by four off then stood facing the bar counter. What am I? Invisible??
My pet peeve
This is a pet hate if mine, as is being served out of turn. In my early 20s I took a second job in a bar to be able to earn enough to qualify for a second mortgage. For the years that I tended bar I ALWAYS made sure to notice and serve the next person in line.
I have been known to cause a fuss if this does not happen. Most recently a few weeks ago when I was out of town with ex-friend and another friend. We had arrived at a busy bar where a former work colleague of ex- friend was tending bar. He greeted ex-friend and served her immediately. He then, rather than serve myself and my other friend, proceeded to serve people that had just arrived at the bar!
Needless to say I had no hesitation in telling him exactly what I thought of him. If it had not been for the fact that ex-friend already had her drink – I would have walked out and taken my money and my custom elsewhere!
Don’t get me started on the extremely rude guy that incensed my friend so much with a very disrespectful comment that she tipped him off his stool!
Getting back to last night
My girlfriend and I had a lovely evening , and fuelled by multiple double gins and the best margarita in town (I swear they get stronger each time) we decided to head for an Indian. It has been some time since I have been to this particular restaurant, and we arrived just before closing time (my past typical MO). I honestly think we would have been better stopping off for cheesy chips at the rather not-so-dodgy-these-days burger van.
The meal was a huge disappointment to say the least. Firstly my girlfriend’s Dahl started was as thin and watery as a mealy gruel. Secondly, the naan was so undercooked the middle was raw and uncooked.
Needless to say the waiter was summoned and the offending issues with the food pointed out to him. It amazes me that restaurants would be so lazy and careless to serve up undercooked food! This from a well established restaurant. Either they were being slapdash as it was nearly home time or they simply thought we would be too inebriated to to notice or care. Not so.
By the way …they did not so much as offer the naan free by way of apology – most decent restaurants would do this without hesitation if they had been caught short passing off undercooked food!
A quiet day with my pooch
So today has been pretty much a quiet day with my pooch …and having a few nice chats with some potential dates – I mean, a girl has gotta pass the time when ever so slightly incapacitated by the previous evening’s partying somehow, right?
A few of the guys I chatted to were decent enough …and one or two of the conversations were quite zany and amusing. One guy who messaged me though, had me laughing-out-loud. He was young, pretty-boy and had a body so gym honed and whipped into shape that it made me blush ever so slightly and hide my curvy frame under the duvet!
Now what do you want with me??
I like older women!
He retorted. I won’t say what else he said as although it didn’t quite make me blush …it would lower the tone of my blog …ahem …sniff!
I shared his images with my girlfriend and she proclaimed him too good to be true and therefore he must be a scammer (everyone’s an expert right? 😞😄🙄).
He did though, pass the Google Reverseimage test!
Oh …what was that you say? You want to see his picture? You do? Oh well…in the interests of research you understand…
Back to the Fighback campaign
It has not all been lazing around though. I have given some more thought to the brilliant plan (at least, I thought so) that I came up with under the shower last night. Don’t the best ideas always come in the shower? No? Oh, that’s just me then …ahem.
The idea that I conceived was to make some noise on Twitter, and try to make the #FakeProfile issue go viral. It would be much harder for Mr Facebook to ignore our pleadings if more than my few followers were talking about this.
As it happens, I came across this article on #LinkedIn today. Very apt, although I am less concerned about the political angle as I am the social one.
If you have a Twitter account please join us. Heck …if you don’t, it takes seconds to create one.
Please let me know if you would like to participate in the #FightbackFakeProfiles challenge.
The more people we can get involved the more chance we have of taking the issue viral. Mr Facebook will surely have to take notice of us then! You can comment below or email me.